A dear friend of mine - let's call him Bert - is perhaps the greatest wit I have the pleasure to know. He can hold court for hours on politics ("The US is screwed up beyond belief, but everywhere else is worse"), religion, finance, and food. It is, however, his observations on family that I wish to discuss today.
To quote Bert: "The human child is the most perfect parasite." Quite a bold statement to elevate children above leeches, tics, fleas, ringworm, and lice. Yes, he ranks them even above politicians, lawyers, and his three ex wives (the price of being a wit I suppose).
I have four kids and feel quite qualified to comment on this theory. I have three girls, ages 8,7 and 5, and a knuckle dragging neanderthal stinky boy, 4. If you haven't guessed yet, Boy takes after his father in both conduct and hygiene.
Are they parasites? Let's see a random definition from the worldwide interweb:
"Parasite": something that [has] . . . dependence on something else for existence or support without making a useful or adequate return."
At first glance it does not look good for the little pipsqueaks. Children are the most wholly dependent creatures imaginable. They require constant feeding, bathing, education, and amusement. Unlike your common house cat, they have no ability whatsoever to supplement your efforts. None of my children have scored themselves a small bird or mouse for a snack. I do not find them often playing with a ball of string for hours or napping on the windowsill. When a cat needs to go potty, it does not call out your name for companionship or, better yet, cry out "WIPE ME!!!" when it is done. I've wiped a lot of ass in the last eight years.
Still, they deliver a "useful or adequate return." Nothing compares to the feel of a small hand in your palm, gentle kisses at bedtime, the never-ending stream of artwork, rediscovering children's books, building blocks, the excuse to watch a pixar film or to bake cupcakes for any reason or none. Every inch of ass wiped is rewarded by a mile of smiles and love. I'll keep wiping.
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